Disclaimer: I am not a professional doctor or specialist. Everything I write here about depression is based on anecdotal evidence and my work with professional personnel.
This morning, after a long time, I used a social network again and scrolled half-heartedly.
There, I came across a post that reminded me of one of the reasons why I distance myself from these networks as much as possible.
To not fully replicate this mental fog, the core message was: „Depression doesn’t exist. You can have a depressive phase, but work on yourself and you are free.“
Having lived with this dark companion for over a decade now, I can say that this person and all who agreed with him have no idea what depression entails.
Of course, I am happy for those who told me how bad they felt for a while and that they managed to improve their mental state with regular exercise and writing down their problems. I would say these people had a bad phase in their life and found a way out of it.
But depression is not just a bad phase or sitting sad in a corner because something bad happened or you are overwhelmed with life. Depression is the brick in your backpack as you climb a mountain. It’s the key left in the ignition overnight, draining the battery. It’s the dripping tap that slowly floods your apartment while you are on a world trip.
Depression has many facets, which is why it can’t be identified as simply as a broken leg.
Here’s one of these facets:
As mentioned, I have lived half of my life with this companion. I’ve been in clinics (closed and open), and had good conversations with many therapists. Including neurologists, therapists, naturopaths, and a psychoanalyst who significantly improved my life. Did he cure me? No.
I also tried various medications for years, some dulled my suffering, others didn’t work at all, and some led to a dependency, the withdrawal from which was one of the worst phases of my career as a depressive.
And I survived all that. I say this because countless people didn’t survive and ended their suffering. If only they had read one of those posts where reach-hungry wannabe coaches enlighten them.
What about today? I lead a very beautiful life today. I am even very happy. I have a wonderful relationship, and great, strong friendships, I have conquered many peaks and challenges I never thought I would even dare to approach.
I do a lot of sports, I document my life on paper, and I read many books, some of which have a positive influence on my life.
Phew. Finally done. Depression is gone. The dark bloodsucker has finally been retired.
But what’s this?
Tulum, Mexico 2023
The weather beams 32 degrees on my body, and I just lay in the pool to dive into a new book with my thoughts. My girlfriend lies on the lounger behind me, sleeping. The previous evening was beautiful and life couldn’t be nicer right now. But suddenly everything seems so dull. I feel strange. An emotional vacuum stretches over my mood. The sun? Burdensome. The book? Boring. My girlfriend? Hopefully, she won’t come over to me, I just can’t grasp a single word right now. Shit. The dark companion somehow made it into the luggage. Maybe the expensive impulse purchase recently wasn’t one, and the sly rascal simply bought a 3rd ticket for our trip.
Blink 182 Concert, Hamburg 2023
„Man, how well we got through!“
„Yeah, man! Quick, to the front!“
„Do you need to pee again? I’m not leaving here for the next few hours.“
„No way! Do you? Then I’ll quickly hold a spot.“
„It’s okay, I went earlier.“
My brother and I stood in the front row of the in-field, in front of the stage where Blink 182, a band and heroes of our childhood, would perform in a few minutes. Months before, we failed to get even a ticket in the last row of the hall. But through a fortunate turn, we got 2 tickets a week before the concert due to a sickness in our circle of friends. We didn’t feel ashamed of our joy about it, and the person, of course, got better a few days later.
Then it happened: „Hamburg! Are you ready for the Party?!“
(I’m sure this wasn’t the exact wording of Tom DeLonge, but it was something along those lines)
The crowd screamed, my brother and I were suddenly 12 years old again, and the band delivered a show that blew everything away.
Then it suddenly became so quiet around me again.
Am I tired? Did someone pull my plug? Oh man, I’m tired. Where’s my joy gone? Just now I was jumping around like a lunatic. Man, there are so many people here. I want to go home. How long are they playing still,: I need to pee.
Damn parasite. Go stand outside with the ticket scammers.
A day before yesterday in the car, B6 towards Bremen, 2024
It was a good morning. I woke up without an alarm, refreshed. Out with the dog, into the car to my grandparents. I didn’t feel like music. So, I listened to the rain on the car roof and my thoughts. The holidays were mostly nice, and I had a lot of fun transitioning into the new year. I went through my goals for the next few months in my head, made plans, and for some reason, I thought about what it would be like if there were a class reunion where you see your former companions and classmates. Then the switch flipped.
I’m such a loser. What’s the point of all these goals? They didn’t work in the past years either. I hate myself. Why are you like this? Just let it be and accept that you’re worthless.
What was that again? Well, at least I knew what was going on this time. Class reunion. I wouldn’t go there anyway. I can’t even manage to meet my best friend for coffee.
I could continue with countless examples of this kind. In most cases, nothing is going on. Many days in my life I feel exhausted, lacking drive, and emotionally distant, and hope is a word I only know from movies and books.
When I listen to the song „Happy“ by the rapper NF, and hear the lyric:
„The truth is, I need help, but I just can’t imagine who I’d be if I was happy…“
tears come to my eyes because exactly this thought is so deeply anchored in me.
I really wouldn’t know if I would accept the offer, if it were possible, to take away my dark companion. He has become a friend over time, with whom I have a bipolar relationship. He is a part of me, and I wouldn’t be myself if this part were taken from me. As much as I hate him, he also brings good things. He taught me to fight when the fight feels lost. He makes me empathetic because I can better understand the suffering of others through my own suffering, and he brings me very close to myself, as I often isolate myself and have learned to enjoy the time with myself.
I enjoy my extroverted, life-loving self outside this shadow, and I have learned to enjoy the pain too, if not in that moment. Then I am introverted, don’t want to speak to anyone, and listen to his words, whose soul wounds become scars and give me a thick skin for the fight in the world.
Because the world is cruel, and it is beautiful. Just like my depression.
In conclusion, I would like to emphasize as at the beginning that these words and thoughts concern me. Me alone and no one else. This text arose out of anger at the statement of an uninformed person, and while I wrote these words, I was able to find peace again. This is my only way to deal with my depression. Of course, depression is nothing beautiful, and I wish it upon no one. However, over the years, I had to find a way to deal with all this, and I am well aware that not everyone can deal with it as easily as I can. It would be, and is, a mockery of all those affected to claim that just anyone knows the solution to this state. Even though I am glad that mental health is gaining more recognition in our society, these are not a broken leg that can just be operated on. They are complex and insidious. In few cases, you can tell by looking at those affected. So be nice and considerate with each other, especially on the internet.
Phil
